CROTCHDUSTER
Crotchduster exists for one reason and one reason only. Tax fraud.
I know you were expecting something like "To put out the most bone
crushing, devestatingly brutal music ever in the history of man"
or, "To bring about an end to the lies of Christ with music spawned
in the lowest depths of hell, and lyrics written for us by the goat
lord himself." No, no. Thats just ridiculous and silly, and quite
frankly beneath us. But hiding income from the government, well hot
damn, thats a worthwhile persuit. How does our Ponzi scheme work ?
I'll tell you (And by "you'' I mean "you, and thats it." You go
blabbing this to anyone else, and by Lucifer's beard I swear I'll
tell the guys in Black Witchery what you said about their sexual
identity.). To grasp our financial secrets you have to know
Williams. Williams is the only human (that we know of) capable of
inter-dimensional travel. Like any good capitalist Williams used
this ability for greed amd plunder. He found a dimension (The real
name of it is unknown. Williams insists we call it
Williamsburgland. He's sort of self important that way.) that at
one time had been the pinnacle of advancement. This came to a
screeching hault when they ran out of the one substance they use
for everything. (Combine all the uses we have for water and
petroleum, and you'll get an idea of the importance of this liquid
to them.) This is a classic case of demand waiting for a supply. He
told us (Crotchduster) of this opportunity, and at our urging he
brought us back soil and air samples (He's not scientifically
inclined like we are, the only reason he can travel
inter-dimensionally is because he's got a PhD in dumptruck
mechanics and he just blasted his way there.) From these we were
able to reconstruct the cellular make-up of this mysterious liquid.
I'd tell you what it is, but screw you, find your own dimension of
people to exploit. Lets just say that one of the ingrediants is
ground up goat teeth, and all their goats are extinct due to a
shift in atmospheric pressure on account of the universe expanding
the way it does. Now, here's the crux of the whole matter. We make
this liquid (which we call Mammal Sauce) and we give it to
Williams. Williams takes it (along with a dumptruck full of paying
tourists) to Williamsburgland, and sells it for a price that would
make you gag. He takes 50% of the profits, and deposits our 50% in
an inter-dimensional account (the exchange rate between currencies
is roughly even.) Beats the hell out of an off shore tax shelter.
How the hell do you trace money across dimensions? You don't, thats
how. So whenever we need some dough we just mix up a batch of
Mammal Sauce, give Williams a couple withdrawl slips, and await his
return.To keep ourselves busy we write music. The writing process
for Crotchduster is very unique. See, inter-dimensional travel puts
quite a strain on Williams' brain. It upsets his brain's chemical
balance, screws with his central nervous system, and gives him
temporary clairvoyance. In short, he goes stark raving mad.(Thats
why we send Cain with him. Somebody's got to drive the truck while
Williams is incapacitated. Plus, Cain writes down everything
Williams says during these episodes. These mad ramblings later
become Chrotchduster's lyrics.) So, our music has to be as crazy
and disjointed as the lyrics. And, because of the temporary
clairvoyance, every song we've ever written has fit perfectly with
the lyrics we recieved upon Williams' return. The recording
techniques we use are unique as well. We only use one mic, and our
multitrack is 16 two track machines from 1957 synched together with
a stopwatch and some telephone cord. Most of the music is written,
performed, and recorded by Fornicus and Slippery Jim. Cain's
expertise really shines through during the mixdown process. Being a
dog allows Cain to hear into frequency ranges that we, as humans,
cannot. Although we cant hear them, these frequencies have octaves
that color the things we can hear. So, all we had to do was teach
Cain how to use the console and all the outboard gear. So, to
recap. Williams gets rich off our Mammal Sauce. We get rich off his
ability to travel to other dimensions. We also get lyrics for
Crotchduster. (which is nothing more than a cover for us to portray
ourselves as "starving artists" so we can continue to claim the
Earned Income Credit on our tax returns.) Nobody pays taxes on any
of this money, and we save a dying dimension in the process. Beats
the holy hell out of any other crappy ass reason for making music.
Except pussy. Thats still the best reason ever.